Dear MAGICAL AWESOME PURDY Diary
by XxLoverSarahxX
Summary: I'm in an insane Aslyum. Charlie is a trader. In Diary format : T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No ownage of Twilight for me……………………. *cry cry* *sob sob*

**Bella Date: 2.21.10 Time: 12:30 A.M. All Hope Is Gone**

Dear….Journal….No. Wait….Diary. Yes! Dear Diary. Okay. That is just gross. EVERYONE starts out as Dear Diary. Let's go with…. Um. Dear MAGICAL AWESOME PURDY Diary. Does that work? Okay. Yes. It does. Anyhow….

Dear MAGICAL AWESOME PURDY Diary,

I'm still here. Where? In a friggin' crazy house. Charlie. That trader. Let me first tell you everything that has happened before I start telling you everything that's happening RIGHT now.

I remember it perfectly, and my therapist said I shouldn't replay the day over and over again. I can't help it. I love him. It's the last thing I have of him. Last thing I have of myself as well. He also said that it doesn't really help me. What does he know? He knows nothing. NOTHING at all. Anyway, I remember it. Jasper had tried to eat me on my eighteenth birthday. God, if I didn't give myself a stupid papercut, none of this would be happening right now. I wouldn't even be writing. I would be sleeping in Edward's arms. Truthfully, I would take growing old and looking uglier but growing old with Edward than not having him at all.

After giving myself a paper cut, it was like he wasn't there at all. He was a former ghost of himself. Next thing I know, I'm being dumped.

"Promise me something."

"Anything."

"Don't do anything stupid and reckless. And I'll promise you something in return. This will be the last time you see me."

Bam. He was gone. He kept truthful to his promise. I had never seen him again. He took all my pictures. All my memories that I kept so close. God. How I hate him. But, god, how I love him. Looking at it this way though, I was lucky to even have him for that time. I knew someone like him. Someone like a God. Could EVER love someone like me.

Ever since that day, Charlie said I wasn't ever there. I wasn't moping, he said, I was emotionless. He compared himself to me. He said that he expected me to get over it in about a month. He said he was wrong. It was about five months after he left. Another two months past, and before I knew it, these people in suits busted through my classroom door and took me away. Did he really expect this to help me? If anything, it will make it worse.

So now, every day, I see a therapist. His name is Thomas. He was an old man with glasses, a clipboard always in hand, and with grey hair. He was nice enough but every time he tried to give me advice, I wanted to slap him across the face. I was also a never violent person. I hated violence. For some reason, without my knowledge, that changed. I don't try to be violent. Truly I don't. It just happens. When someone says something I dislike now, I lose control. It's like really bad impulses that control me. They say I turn beast. That's why, almost every minute of every day, expect Sundays (they say they want me to adapt without being on it) they give me something to calm me down and make me go half way into a happy place. I loved it. I think it is a real drug though, like, heroine because they shoot it into me and it's yellow. But are they even allowed to give illegal drugs?

Then again, the government doesn't really care. They just let them do whatever. Makes the people in here feel loved. I've been in this crazy house for about two months. A month ago they started me on the stuff. In the first month, I've actually struck my therapist, my group consoler, Charlie (when he ever bothers to come and visit me), and a couple people in here, just like me. I believe each person deserves it, but the owners and care providers don't think that way.

I also hear people talking about me. I never hear them say, "she's such a good girl!" "She is very fun to be around." "She's one of my favorite people." They are NEVER like that. Mostly, I hear them say, "She is crazy. Control her!" "I hate her. I wouldn't care if she died. Actually, I hope she does die." "Screw her. Hope she goes to Hell." Yes, that really raises my self-esteem, but now, I've become accustom to it and I don't mind. Actually, now it makes me smile. I find it hilarious.

Hold on. My therapist is coming. Talk to you in a moment.

**Bella Date: 2.21.10 Time: 1:39 A.M. May I kill him? **

Well, he just made my day. Looks like Charlie called Thomas and told him he found some poems of mine. It's not my fault that I like to write. Now a day, I can't write any love poems. So, I just write deep, dark, depressing poems. Charlie read my latest one to Thomas, my latest one I wrote before I ever ended up in here. Here is what it said:

_The Time is passing slowly_

_As my hope is fading away_

_He went_

_And told me to Stay_

_Someday I'll find him_

_Someday I'll show him_

_How much hurt he has done_

_I wish he could see me_

_I really wish he could_

_He inflicted more pain_

_Then good_

_I know he did what he thought was best_

_I know it hurt him too_

_But now I'm not sure_

_Truthfully, I've had tons of time to think_

_Think about what I should do_

_Perhaps suicide?_

_End my misery?_

_But perhaps not_

_But I'm thinking about it_

_But until then and if I ever see him again_

_I swear I will kill him_

_With just one look_

_I'm hurt deep_

_And he needs to know how I feel*_

Okay. The way I look at it, it isn't as bad as some of my other poems. I don't know why Charlie felt the urge to call Thomas up and read it to him. Obviously, Thomas felt it was important as well. I truly am getting really annoyed with Charlie. Does he even love me anymore?

Many people say a parent does what they do out of love. Is he really doing this out of love?

Once Thomas came in, this is how our conversation went.

"Hello, Isabella," he said, sitting down. With a flick of his wrist, he shooed away a security guard.

My tone was deadly as I slipped my MAGICAL AWESOME PURDY Dairy under my pillow. "It's Bella."

"Very well. Anyhow, Mr. Swan called me and told me you wrote poems. He read one of them to me. It was very interesting." He read the poem out loud. My face turned red with anger. What was Charlie doing in my room anyway? "Why did you think about suicide?"

"Why did you use a past tense verb?"

"So you still are?" He scribbled that down on his clipboard.

"I believe that is none of your business." Truthfully, I was never thinking about suicide. It was something to put in my poems. And it is honestly none of his business.

"I believe it is," he said, writing some more. Next thing I know, he put me on Suicide Watch Level type thing. I'm not sure what it is called because I wasn't really paying attention. He said if I moved to Level 3 or something, I would be moved out in the hallway so I can be watched 24/7. He said goodbye and left. They both annoy me so very much.

It also is very annoying that they won't let me decorate my own room. It is so plain. I can go without music but it would help right now to block out all my thoughts. All I have in my room is a bed, a closest to hang up my clothes, a clock, and a window with poles over it so I can't escape. The food sucks here as well. I lost weight. I was already under what I needed to be for an eighteen year old girl. I was 110 pounds, when I should have been around 160 or 170, but now I am 100. Anorexic much, right? I would agree.

So anyway, I'll check back in tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. At 10, I now have to go to my Suicide Watch program. It lasts for two hours, and then at 12:30, I have lunch, which I probably won't even eat. At 1, I have to see Thomas. It will be about a three hour session. At 4, Charlie is coming down to spend some time with me. Finally, at 7, I have a meeting with Thomas, Charlie, and some people from the board of peoples. I think they are going to see how my progress will be doing.

**With all the love I have left,**

**I'm signing out**

**Will I ever be happy again?**

**That is something I doubt***

_**Signed, **_

_**Bella Swan.**_

_*** All poems are my own. Please do not take credit for them. They are not yours. They are mine.**_

_**So do you guys like this new story? Should I continue on? **_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Because I'm sooooo amazing they say that I can't own Twilight. Well. I hate people x___x

Bella

Date: 2.24.10

Time:6:00 am

Dear MAGICAL AWESOME PURDY DIARY,

I hate life. Life hates me. And I wish Godzilla was here so he could break me outta here. Anyhow, I am sorry I haven't checked in a while. I feel kind of like Anne Frank. Like holy crap. Anyway, I'm not getting out of her anytime soon. But it is kind of a good thing though, if you think about it. I mean, if I was at home right now, just getting out of this place, I would have a knife in my hand and I would be stabbing Charlie to death.

Don't get me wrong. I love Charlie but not enough to spare him his life. I MEAN, GEEZ, THAT SOUNDED TOTALLY CRAZY. But I guess that is what it has come down to in the past couple days or years. Or months. I don't even know how long it has been. The drugs are starting to wear off so that is why I am writing. I figured that I can't write my true thoughts down when I'm loopy.

And I have great news. I have a friend in this place. His name is Shane. He is so very cute. He is in my Suicide thingy mer-bobber. He's real nice too. They have him a little drugged too, but not as much as me. He wants out and he says he'll think of some way to get out. We ate lunch together too. I found out so much about him.

His father did suicide because his brother concived him too, then his brother killed himself. His mother died when she gave birth to his littlest brother. And ever since then, he turned major depressed and was sent here by the school counselor. Nice people, eh?

Anyways when I saw Thomas, I wasn't paying attention to anything he said. So I can't tell you what went on there. When I saw Charlie, I just glared "daggers" or however you spell it, at him. He got really pissed, but he didn't yell. I didn't say a thing to him. But do you want to hear something so crazy?

Jacob Black visited me today, out of no where. I wasn't sure why he was here or how he ever heard that I was in here. Wait. I take that back because Forks is such a small town, things spread around easily. But he came and I forgot how such a nice guy he is. He's much more taller and muscular.

"Bella?" Jacob had asked from behind me. He gave me a tight hug, that made my head spin.

"What are you doing here?" I didn't know what else to say, honestly. I never get visitors other then Charlie, and he's hardly one.

He smiled a lovely smile. "I've come to see you silly."

I had no idea what to say but I grinned. "Well that's just nifty. How are you, Jacob Black?"

He shrugged, still smiling, "I'm very good. High school is getting harder but it's okay." He paused for a moment then looked at me, sadly. "How is been….being in here?"

I sighed, "It sucks, but you get free drugs." I smiled sadly. "I hate it in here though. How I wish I was out, you know?"

"I can imagine that….."

Then Jacob and I talked for a while. He still didn't have a girlfriend because he was all about fixing and building cars. He chattered happily until they kicked him out. Once he left, I got sad. And the only reason I am up at this time, at 6 in the morning, is because I can't sleep so I think yesterday is still today so don't be fooled. I know. I'm kind of…..crazy.

I'm starting to get a little looser chain in this hell hole. They don't strap me down very often. (Thank the lord, whoever he is, because that shizz hurts) But they said they will NOT ease up off of the medication. In a way, I like it but I hate not being able to think for myself.

So with my new type of "Freedom," I get to go into this "playroom" that is usually full of crazies. During the day, I can not stand to be in there. It is so very loud in there and I can't consitrate. So I only go in there during the night now. Even though the windows are blocked off with bars, you still can see a beautiful oak tree outside. How I wish I was out there!

So right now, I am in the "playroom." You know what I could really go for right now? A slushie. Or a frosty. Or a just a regular plain ole' hamburger. And I asked one time for one, they shot me down so fast. I mean, is a hamburger such a big deal? Like damn dude. Oh well though. I will get out of here sometime and I'm going to Burger King and I'm ordering the whole hacking menu and eating it all.

Even though you can't tell time, its about three hours later. Shane suddenly came in and we got to talking! Oh he is so funny! I shared with him my new poem. Would you like to hear? Here it is:

_Time is running out_

_And my heart is slowing_

_The beat is fading_

_And I'm not sure what's going on_

_Now tear off my wings_

_And burn them in the fire_

_I'm going to Hell_

_And in there, there is no choir_

Okay, I know it's kind of lame and ugly and stupid and not really pretty and all that stuff (kind of like me)but he like it a lot.

But it's starting to get very loud in this room. Here are some conversations, and keep in mind, these crazies are screaming it.

"I WISH I HAD A KNIFE TO SLICE MY WRISTS AND MY THROAT." That person was dragged away.

"GIVE ME BACK MY TELI!!!! HE'S CALLING ME!!!!" Two adults were fighting over a playhouse phone. A PRETEND phone, but beggars cant be choosers.

Thomas is coming my way and if he sees this diary he will take it, read it, then hold it against me. Plus, my hand is like GRRRRRRR and it's hurting me. Anyhow so I will write in a bit.

**Date: 2.24.10**

**Time: 8:28 P.M.**

Thomas hates me and is out to get me. I know it. He saw me hid my diary, and thankfully I hid it good, he was trying to find it. But when he was so very close, to the point of my heart beating so hard in my chest and my face was beat red, his pager went off and he had to leave. My god, I was so scared. This diary is the only thing I can tell my feelings to and that I can be honest about.

Today I was thinking, while I logged off, thoughts entered my head. There is something in the back of my mind that is tugging but I don't know what it is that is tugging on it. Something is going to happen soon. I can feel it.

I have nothing to do today so I'll just be sleeping (because I have not had any sleep in two days) or hanging with my new friend. Maybe, if I'm lucky, Jacob will stop again. I doubt it. I'm not very fun to hang out with though. I'll check back in as soon as possible.

_**The words that are in my heart**_

_**Are stabbing and killing**_

_**I'm keeping my tears in**_

_**Can't you see that I'm trying?**_

_**Give me a break**_

_**I'm trying my best**_

_**But I guess I'm going down**_

_**Myself and the rest**_

_Signed,_

_Bella Swan_

_**(A/N: I know. I'm sorry I haven't been able to update in a long while, but I haven't had a computer. I stoleded my cousins just now. Haha. Anyways, I'll update sooner. Review? :D)**_


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